Being Selfish

Mom always, always, always, say that it will be hard for me to get someone who have values like her husband aka my dad. He is not perfect but for me, yes, it is hard to get a man like him these days.

History is history, I don’t care for the man he used to be but now, I see him much better than other men,young men. Pretty sure most of us think of our dad highly than others, no doubt on that, experience what makes someone better and your dad are amazing too. No hard feelings, okay. I just compare it with young gentlemen.

He don’t mind to do laundry from A to Z on weekend. Sometimes week days.
He loves to cook snack for us in the evening.  He can hear me, his daughter, talk about anything, problems and mom’s related issue (shhhh), and boys and marriage.
He laughs when I fought with my sister about who should clean up our cat’s poop.
He calms my heart when I was about to burst from disagreement with my mom.
He talks me some sense.
He let my mom have her own free time with her friends.

Why bold? Because this is what most young men couldn’t give to her spouse, I guess. We, women tend to lose our friends after each of them getting married, isn’t? Responsibilities here and there.
I am being selfish. I do say in my prayer, let my friends be my friends even when they get married. I wish I can get a man, of course good in religion, and also allows me to have some time-off from house chores and stuff.

I am being selfish to have all for me. To have their time for me. To have both family and friends for me.

I am being selfish.

friend that go

in this post, you can never judge me as being bias to friendship instead of family. i have lots of love to share. My love for my family is unbeatable and my love for friends are inevitable.

We all have friends right? Even if you say no, we don’t have group thingy but actually we do have one, unplanned. I have one. As for the past 4 years, my closest consists of 4 people then down to 3, after a year, it increases to 5, 6 and 7. Yes, it is small but I love them.

Every birthday occasions, we celebrated it. We went out and ate, we collected money and bought not-so-fancy presents but with love. Then, came a tiny argument. For me, it is tiny. Tiny misunderstanding. Have you been hurt by your friends? I did. We all did.

However, it is the matter of how you handle it. If you truly love, you will try to calm your heart on your own because you can’t afford to lost your friends. As how you love your family, no matter it is your fault or not, you can’t afford to lost your sisters, brothers and parents.

Friend that go, she hated us or me so much. I told mom about this, until now, I am wondering, how else should I do to make it okay, what exactly does she need from us (me)? Mom said, why do you still think about her? I love her mom, we are friend (I said it in my heart)

wear or not to wear

mom, i didn’t have any clothes to wear. i need some.
kaklong, just wear what you have as long as you are not naked.
alaahhhhhhhhh. okay then.

as a woman i have a lot of that moment above. even in the morning when i need to go to work. look at my wardrobe and question myself, “the same, again?”
i realize that i have to learn to accept. we may be good in sustain ourselves from being mad, speak harsh or control our mind from do bad. but as a woman, we fail to control ourselves from shopping. i know myself when i have money, i could spend hundreds when i am not thinking.

what makes me realize was,
i have this permanent task at home. i fold laundry and put it all back to its places; mom’s and dad’s closets and sister’s closet. i look at their collections every single day and clothes are all the same until the next update which probably next celebration (Eid Fitri). i never saw my mom crying for a new one, never once i saw my dad brought home new shirts for work even though i know some are very old. they probably wanted to have but they put it all aside for us, their children. do we just simply take that and be happy just on our own while our parents aren’t? frankly speaking, i probably will and i want to learn to not to.

i want to learn to not to.

i am still studying and i live from my little allowance and pocket money given by my parents. i do have my own shopping session which i buy toiletries, woman stuff, make up, probably i may even bought one top or a new skirt but i want to learn not to rush into having some stuff just because others own it. we have been exposed with too many people who can afford it and i am not saying that i live in poverty but to be modest not just in the way i speak but in the way i look. for now, i can’t afford all that, i told myself repeatedly. one day, inshaaAllah.

i love planning, to go here and there, to buy this and that. once i had a friend who told me that i just love to speak but i am not living with what i speak. i have a lot to consider. even when i go out, i feel pity that i can’t bring along my sister since i only afford my own stomach. sorry sis but i always promise myself to bring along her and my entire families to places that i have been. this can only be happen if some dato’ wants to marry me or yes, if i work hard.

generally speaking, i love shopping. i love it so much that i once spent hundreds in one day. and i was just 18 or 19 years old at that time. and once when i was 20. the best and good sedekah is within our families and the best we can do are probably lessen their burden in term of financial and stress, i guess so. i am not ustazah but i think good things are good isn’t.

p/s i have plan to shop some clothes but only Allah knows if i really shop or not. depends.

the face

me: “mom, can you just find me somebody to marry?”
mom: “no way, you smile less, you always look angry”
me: “mom, do you really think i am that bad. dad, deep down in your heart, do you reallllllllyyyy think i am bad as your child?”
dad: “noo but you can be better”
me: “no one is perfect dad, i can cook if i want too and i do cook once in a while. and mom, do i have to smile always like always?” mom: “not really but you always look angry”
me: “no, i’m not. okay. people at office always call me cute because i am intern okay” (even if they are just being sarcastic, i trust their judgement)

so that’s what happen. my parents always say that i have this angry face patch onto me. i can’t smile while walking on the street, alone. people are going to think, “ohh my, she looks fine but crazy”. i don’t want that.

yes, my tone when i speak can sound so serious. of course it is when i talk about serious stuff. because i speak so nice and cute and ‘manja’, mom would say, “you speak like a kid, try to be mature”. seee. so how should i behave exactly.

i accept that i can be lazy, now tell who isn’t? once in a while, we are allowed some lazy time but actually we are not being lazy. even when we are lazy, our focus is actually towards something that doesn’t require lots of effort. for example, watch television, read novel, play with phone, update blog, play games, try new make up and so and so.

in term of finding man that i like. at first i may look crazy-angry like my mom said but frankly speaking i am sweet like candy but in a good way where i won’t give you diabetes or bad teeth.

but i believe my mom and dad are just joking in that whole conversation. right? you guys are joking, right? right?

hug and kiss

who love being hug and kiss?

many of us find being hug can actually calm our burning heart and when we are sad, hug can actually bring out tears that we keep.

people that i have hugged are my friends (women only), my sister, cousins (women only), my mom and dad.

i still remember when my family received a call mentioned that my aunt had passed away, my mom and me, we were cried and hugged. that was the sad moment. i have many happy hug with my mom.
recently, i had a misunderstanding with my mom in a car, so the next morning when we prayed subh (morning prayer), she hugged me. usually we kissed, i kissed her hands and her chicks but she hugged me. i nearly cried though (but i’m on make up already).

my dad, we hug but depend on occasions. most of it during eid (Muslim Celebration), if i get good result, if i miss him (when i stayed at campus) and when his birthday. kiss on hands is always but on cheeks, so far just during his birthday.

nothing weird about hug and kiss people that taking care of since you were born. sometimes we are just ashamed or feel that now we are adult, i only kiss handsome guy only. nope! OUR PARENTS DESERVED TO BE HUGGED AND KISSED BY US

in cade hug and kiss our friends, of course i only did it among my girls, usually we hug because it has been a long time since we see each other. kiss, what about kiss? i don’t know. have we kiss, Imraatul? i think i just blow my kiss with hope that my friends will accept it. haha.

are you feeling terrible right now? are you feeling down and sad?
go hug and kiss someone. LEGALLY