wear or not to wear

mom, i didn’t have any clothes to wear. i need some.
kaklong, just wear what you have as long as you are not naked.
alaahhhhhhhhh. okay then.

as a woman i have a lot of that moment above. even in the morning when i need to go to work. look at my wardrobe and question myself, “the same, again?”
i realize that i have to learn to accept. we may be good in sustain ourselves from being mad, speak harsh or control our mind from do bad. but as a woman, we fail to control ourselves from shopping. i know myself when i have money, i could spend hundreds when i am not thinking.

what makes me realize was,
i have this permanent task at home. i fold laundry and put it all back to its places; mom’s and dad’s closets and sister’s closet. i look at their collections every single day and clothes are all the same until the next update which probably next celebration (Eid Fitri). i never saw my mom crying for a new one, never once i saw my dad brought home new shirts for work even though i know some are very old. they probably wanted to have but they put it all aside for us, their children. do we just simply take that and be happy just on our own while our parents aren’t? frankly speaking, i probably will and i want to learn to not to.

i want to learn to not to.

i am still studying and i live from my little allowance and pocket money given by my parents. i do have my own shopping session which i buy toiletries, woman stuff, make up, probably i may even bought one top or a new skirt but i want to learn not to rush into having some stuff just because others own it. we have been exposed with too many people who can afford it and i am not saying that i live in poverty but to be modest not just in the way i speak but in the way i look. for now, i can’t afford all that, i told myself repeatedly. one day, inshaaAllah.

i love planning, to go here and there, to buy this and that. once i had a friend who told me that i just love to speak but i am not living with what i speak. i have a lot to consider. even when i go out, i feel pity that i can’t bring along my sister since i only afford my own stomach. sorry sis but i always promise myself to bring along her and my entire families to places that i have been. this can only be happen if some dato’ wants to marry me or yes, if i work hard.

generally speaking, i love shopping. i love it so much that i once spent hundreds in one day. and i was just 18 or 19 years old at that time. and once when i was 20. the best and good sedekah is within our families and the best we can do are probably lessen their burden in term of financial and stress, i guess so. i am not ustazah but i think good things are good isn’t.

p/s i have plan to shop some clothes but only Allah knows if i really shop or not. depends.

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