Curious

In couple of weeks, this 2016; marks my 25 years old ending. I have been good and I have been bad. Alhamdulillah for this life given by Allah, for a sinner like me, I received beyond that I could ever have. 
People keep on asking me, when is it going to be my turn? 

When is it going to be my turn as a bride with a groom?

Me too, curious about it. 
Repeatedly, I keep on saying to people, I don’t care. Even if I care, most of it because I feel pity to my parents; they must have been worried about me even if they look fine. 

Repeatedly, I make it a point where marriage is not my priority at the moment but I keep on thinking about it from time-to-time. 

Repeatedly, I wonder for all this time, for as I have live 25 years,is there really no one has any curiosity about me. Is it really no one has even a bit curiosity of getting me as partner. 

I have a career now, even it may not as professional as the so-called ‘professional’ careers, I like it the way it is for the time being. One thing cross off the list. 

Car, I have my parent’s. 

House, I have registered. 
“I need to be a little bit interesting on the outside”, they said. 
May I just say, I am the type who speak up my mind, maybe quite frank and obvious. 

May I just say, I am the type who know nothing about guy or love. 

May I just say, I am a little bit independent that I don’t mean to scare guy. 

I wonder how my 2017 gonna look like. I wish nothing from God except for family’s health, calm life, a better person and perhaps, I wish I could give dad, a friend and mom, a helper. 

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If we all agree that each and everyone of us only has one consistent attitude, that will be a lie. The biggest lie you can tell others.

Nope, we have so many attitudes. 

Each belong to a group of people. 
Our attitude for our parents. 

Our attitude for our siblings. 

Our attitude for our families. 

Our attitude for our friends. 

Our attitude for strangers. 

Our attitude for our colleagues. 

And many more. 
I must say; those attitudes are actually living proof of how we felt about others. How secure or insecure we feel toward others. How close our relationship with them. 

“Let your daughter travels with people her age, it wouldn’t be fun neither for her or you if we say different ideas.”
*Laugh nicely, speak gracefully*
Some may say hypocrite, some may say fake. Hypocrite can happen on certain issues but not this one.  I say that for the sake of relationship, or at work; professionalism. 
We act based on situation. We act based on the result that good for us and others. 
Whatever it is, just be nice. Hypocrite happen when you start talking at people’s back.

If You are Here

If I’m yours.

It will be awkward at first. If we were on our fist date, I may just keep myself shut. I don’t really know how to deal with such situation.

What should I say? 

What should I ask? 

Should I ask? 

or Should I just listen? 

Is it okay for me to eat this? 

Am I being too straight forward about my opinion? 

Do I have to stop being me for a while? 

Do this will work?

I don’t know. It has to be awkward; I must say. That will be the first for me. Just me and a guy. 

After several times, if I am comfortable enough, I may tell you stories, I may ask stupid questions but frankly speaking, I guess I still feel awkward. I will always be. 
Bad mood? Yes, you will have to deal with it. I nag about things; work, ideas, and could be about you too. Everyone has their own bad day, I am pretty sure you have your own bad day too. I’ll try to keep my chin up and deal with it. So did you. 
If you ask me about my past, I can only tell you, I have no past relationship because it is the truth. One-sided love? Yes, plenty of it; I can tell you if you can share yours. Jealousy, even I strongly believe (for now) I may not, but I also believe that I will be jealous. You should be proud if I did, because it shows that I care. No worries, I’ll try to keep it sane. 

Materialism. No, I am not the kind of woman who look into brand. You’ll be happy with me because I always take a look of price tags before I decide. Hipster cafe, not really. If I can get delicious chicken chop at RM10, why would I pay double for different plating. However, that does not mean I don’t want though. I spend more money on food rather than on clothes. Especially Korean dishes. Ooppss, but don’t worry because I can always go Dutch. We can split the bill. 

Only few know about this. My closest friends know this. I keep myself shut and tight at home if I don’t have money. Some people left me out, since I always say no, but I hope you didn’t. If my closest friends can understand me saying no, why can’t you, right? Since you will be closer to me than my friends. 

I love to fight about ideas. I always have debate with my parents. They call it being stubborn but I assume it to be a debate. After all, we talked about ideas, don’t we? There is no winning or losing but the adrenaline rush that you get during discussion is satisfying. You may look forward to more discussions. You should just let win because it may be hard for me to stop. It’ll keep coming back; the topic. 

Credit to NatGeo, found on Facebook

Parents. One of the reasons for you to be chosen is that you can can friend friend with ayah. Not that I’m saying his lonely what so ever; he has friends more than me I guess, it is just sad to see him working things at home alone. I did offer to help him with his work like cutting woods or tidying his garage but he always says no. So, perhaps if you were there, you can help him. Ibu will glad too to have you. She favors outsiders. I’m joking. hahaha. 

Ibu Being A Mom

Rarely parents will say nicely about their kids in front of other people. Usually, they’ll say about how late we wake up in the morning or maybe how lame we are in the kitchen. But apparently, ibu aka my mom is not like that when it comes to work opportunity.

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Last Eid, we went to visit our relatives as usual. This Eid was a little bit different; a little on the topic of my don’t-know-when marriage proposal but more on work. This time, ibu had to ask every single aunties and uncles we met if their companies have any work opportunities. Some will be awkward about this situation, but I am actually glad for her to be like this.

Couple of weeks a go, I had an interview at international company. I thought it was only one interview session since they didn’t mention any about second interview. However, last Monday, I had to go through second interview. Of course, my heart is full of colors and hopes because damn, it was a second interview. It means the luck could be there. Allah, please make it works. Since then, ibu keeps on mention about this particular job opportunity to everyone. She said to one of my friends that she’s tired of me being at home. Okay ibu, okay.

I thank Allah for giving me such mom. Even though, I am afraid that the job is not for me (O’Allah please don’t take that statement as my pray, I need that job; I want to pay my PTPTN)then everyone will know about my failure, yet, all in all it is great.

Thanks ibu for being a mom.

Transition

Each one of us will go through these.
We go from baby to toddler.
We go from toddler to teenager.
We go from teenager to adult.
We go from single to mom or dad.
We go from student to career person.

These are some of the transitions we will go through.
I may say as a kid, I wished I can be an adult quickly. I want to have my own life. I want to own a car or a house. I want to work.
But as an adult; now I find being a kid is what every adults wish for.

We used to think secondary school was tough than primary. We used to think university life was tough than being at school. But no,it is no different actually. Either we are at school or university, we are still in the process of learning, we are still together with friends; new or old and we are still us.

Working is a different story. I, myself are yet to have a career. But in the process of this transition, I get worried, a lot. I am tough. Most of the people I know will say I am tough, fierce, easily get mad, no worries and strong. But that are not all of it. I do some thinking too. And I am the person who dearly remember good times with families and friends. I always look at my old journals and reminisce good or bad old times.

I used to get jealous when my cousin is about to get married or has girlfriend/boyfriend. Just because at that time I know that I will be left out. This kind of transition about life is eating me. I get jealous for my parents too; when mom’s friends came over and when dad (I can’t think of anything about me being jealous at my dad)

So, transition of being an adult actually killing me. I have responsibilities toward my financial status, I need to make my parents happy, I want to support them, I need a husband, and I may not be able to meet my friends. Everyone has responsibilities now. Different priorities. I know I have to strongly accept this change even though it is hard.

A Bit

“I know you always assume I take you for granted. I know you are feeling that all your effort is useless to my eyes. All my naggings are for you, I want you to be useful. When you are at grandma, do some work, don’t just sit and lay down doing nothing.”

“I did right, it is not I didn’t do anything at all. “

“That was because I asked you. I don’t want you to wait when I asked you, then you do. Find work by yourself. Sweep floor. Clean the kitchen.”

A bit uncomfortable to do chores at grandma’s, yes that is what it is when I stay at grandma’s. The thing is when I start to clean her kitchen, she’ll be worried about her stuff because when I start cleaning, I clean thoroughly and my mouth will be talking too. It just natural. I start to talk about “this shouldn’t be here. This should be put here. We have talked about this grandma, this jar should be in the room.”  That kind stuff. She doesn’t like it. However, for Eid or if it has been too long, I still do it because it something that should be done and yes, when my mom asked me to do. hahahaha. Yeah mom, you’re right. You win.

Heyy, thing is I did. Okay, I think the reason why I was getting scold because I told her I didn’t bring my pad when I should because I just look my calendar and it was due. I was unprepared. Thus, it leads to old arguments that totally out of time. Therefore, women and men, be prepared. Especially, men. You know that you can run away from old arguments from us ladies if it start. Being unprepared may lead to this situation; you don’t want that to happen.

By the way, I had fun with mom this week. I must say, I have been terrible this weekend. We went to her friends’ open house for Eid; I was unlucky. I dropped a jar of cookie until the jar is broken. I accidently splash water to her her face which is of course unintentionally. She didn’t get mad. Sorry mom. It was just me, mom and my sister. We had fun filled up our tummy.

A bit of sorrow. A bit of happiness. That is life. In sorrow or madness, realisation of truth make us step backward and respect others. In sorrow and madness, a bit of unlucky events make us appreciate of what little happiness happen at the same time. It is also take a bit of our time to actually understand those. A bit.

Limited Resources

I want to be useful. Frankly speaking, I would love to cook some dinner for ibu and ayah. I would love to bake or make some snack. I would also love to get my hand dirty and plant some green stuff. Yet, all of these require money. All of these require resources. Ohhh, you may say, “Just ask your parents”.  Haaah, nope. If I did that, then the whole idea to impress and being useful can not be achieve. It is not what I hope; imagine for.

Can you imagine the idea? How pretty, adorable and amazing it will be? Me, cooking and preparing the table. Serving dinner and they all say, “Hmmm this is good”. *drama too much* Okayyy, that is the rough imagination of a desperate not-young-woman to prove herself. However, since jobless, these are just a mere imagination.

The best thing for me to provide and being useful is to make sure the house is clean and laundry is done. No money required. At first, I was thinking, why am I doing this? I have been doing this since I was in secondary school. Whenever, I was back home for holiday, I took over ibu’s tasks (laundry and chores). I think even though, yes,it is hard to be perfect but I am use to it. So use to it that I don’t like others fold clothes. Man, I tell you, they are not nicely fold. The length and the collar, I hate if the collar is showing.

I guess this is what being useful really mean. Doing whatever you can with how many resources you have. As for me, Alhamdulillah, God has given me this owl habit, I don’t really sleep early. I prefer to do some chores late at night. God has given me light to help ibu and ayah and may He guides me to be always sincere in whatever I did.

I am pretty sure that most of us are doing the best we can to help our parents. As the children, I think it is our task to help them with some chores. They provide us with so many; food, education, place to live, and money. Alhamdulillah, God has given us wonderful parents who will do anything for us. Although I have heard some stories regarding irresponsible parents, don’t you loose hope. God is always with you, He loves you and the only thing you need to do is to have faith in His plan as He is The Planner and to love Him back. Be obedient and light will come to enlighten and lessen the burden you have hold.

I still hope that one day, I will have a decent, halal job to provide for them. May He always take care of my heart and intention.

Speak Only Truth

So much going on in my life past few months. My phone’s screen cracks thus I can’t post here. I have been very lazy to open my laptop to write new entry. I basically just do everything on my phone (check email, visit JobStreet, scroll Facebook) except for one thing which is update my blog. It is annoying that WordPress app didn’t really focus on it’s tilt screen design.

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INTERNSHIP

I am done with my internship since February and I have been jobless since then. Can you imagine how my life would be? Okay, it is not entirely bad. I was just being a good-not-so-good housewife AKA maid. Nothing much is going there. I have sent about 20 resumes which I guess much lower than my friend and I don’t get any interview. However, one day I received a call that I get to join a training that comes with quite numbers of benefits (allowance 1k per month, a professional certificate on which course I applied and on-the-job training). Alhamdulillah.

TRAINING

It started last May. I was so excited, I finally have something to do rather than just being at home. Although I enjoy lying on the couch and watch movies non-stop but I better get busy. As mentioned by the organizer, I have to attend two months in-class training which sounds legit and fun. For the first months, we are taught about soft skills and so May ends. No allowance is received until now. We talked to the organizer, some discussion had been made, some explanation had been explained and finally one thing to be sure is that even they are not sure about our allowance. They are taking risk to mention about allowance while the main organizer stated that there will be no allowance.

Two more things arise, course that I have chose is yet to be started until August (which may or may not be true) because they said each courses need to have about 15 more participants. They didn’t even mention this until June. Another one is that this program should start on July or August based on the main organizer. Why would they hide all of these details? Why wouldn’t they speak the truth? Why would they play with people’s need?

One of us assume that they are afraid that we might left this program if they tell us to wait until July or August. But you know what? You have lied and because of your misconduct in managing all of these, I might or I will left this program.

One thing you shouldn’t play with is people’s need. One thing you shouldn’t make joke is people’s need.

Most of us are fresh graduate students who are very much in need for a job, in need of a place in any companies, and in need of money. We are excited to think of giving parents our salary. We are burdened with our study loan. We are in need, indeed. Don’t play with that and speak the truth.

In Islam, we have redha. It is an acceptance (fully accept) to whatever happens. If this is what it is, I accept it as a lesson for me and the organization. I accept it as for me to become strong and careful. I accept it as a sign from Allah that it is to Him and only Him I should put my trust. I accept it as a sign that He is planning something way better than this.

I Love Her

*Ironing tons of clothes*
“You never ease my work when you are at home”

*Folding some clothes*
“You never help me at all”

*Vacuuming and sweeping the floor*
“It will be easier if you are not home at all”

These are the words that slip from her mouth whenever either I forgot to wash some clothes or if I swept the floor a bit late once in awhile or if I have not finish folding clothes before she arrived home.

“Why does she always say that?”
“She has always been like that when she’s mad”

“Can’t you say something about it?”
“I don’t want to prolong the fight, just be patience. ”

” You know, these are the reasons why I want to stay at mahallah sometimes.”
“……..”

I used to think that one day I want stay alone at my own house. I used to have the idea of leaving. Years by years came along, I have grown up to 25 years old and I love her unconditionally. Yet, it comes with sacrifice. As I grow up, as my man always remind me to be patience, I am being patience but I am a human and I am not perfect. That idea comes back. That wish to leave comes back. I still love her unconditionally.

I want to be in paradise. With her and him. I am afraid of hellfire. I don’t want to go to hell. I told myself, “Who likes imperfection?” I don’t like imperfection. I am particular in whatever I did at work. I guess it is the same for her. She dislike imperfection. There is nothing wrong with that, it is preference.

Written in The Other Side of The Coin by Aiman Azlan and Ameen Misran,

In Surh az-Zumar verse 10 the translation, Allah mentioned to the believers that as a slave, fear only to Him. Do good and get good rewards. Be patience and get reward in full beyond your dreams.

I want both.

I have decided to be quite and ask her for forgiveness of any imperfection have I given to her. I pray, Dear Allah, please let her heart full of patience and forgive all of her mistakes cause she is a human and she is a very very very good person at home, to the elders and to the community.

The pain is there when those words listen by my ear and goes to my heart. I guess I just have to be patience and trust Him.

The Confession

A Day of 2016
Best Dream Ever
Can’t you see
Hurt
Neutralise
A Clear Hint, perhaps?

Okay, those are the list of my posts regarding a man. A man which has put a spell on me (drama too much). I guess I must have get the wrong spell because of what happen on the next paragraph.

I did it. I confessed. I made it. I had discussion with two advisors, S and I. I, she said that I should confess and I actually want to do it. All of his sweet and nice gestures, have make me assume things (women’s weakness) that I should have not. In order to get things right, I think I should and thanks to I, for her support, I did it bravely. S, at first when I told her that his colleague match making Shahirah for him, S told me to forget him. Then, I asked whether is it a good idea for me to confess, she said, “why not?”. “Once you know, you’ll feel much better”, she said. Do it casually.

I DID IT. Before that, I texted him to send my regards to his colleague which happen to know me (I am done with internship). Just to be casual, I guess. hahaha. Awkward right? He said, “okay, you must be feeling different to finish internship, you should not” yada yada in 4 lines. Then, I replied with “yeahh, all kinds of feelings, sad, happy, excited” yada yada. At the last line, I said, “btw, I have feelings for you. If you’re not okay with it, then I’m fine”. That was like the most awkward things I have ever said to men. That is my first confession ever to a guy.

I switched on my phone until around 8 p.m. I feel nervous and somehow, okay. I feel relieved. I looked at his text, he said in 4 to 5 lines.
*smiley face* *smiley face*
its okay
but sorry, I, kinda hard to have feelings, it takes time
sorry ea
its okay don’t be sad, your degree is done
after this, you can start work
That is all. I replied with, “hahaha, okay. Yeah, happy that I’m done and inshaaAllah, should start looking soon”. Cool lah sangat, cool la sangat. It hurts a bit. This heart not broken but it has scar now.

Told my friends about it. They said, be strong and I should move one and they know it hurts but now that I know, its better that not knowing. Isn’t? I prayed to God, I am not the best Muslim to Him but I did say in my prayer, if he says no, then he may be not the best for me or may be I am not the best for him. I have sins, I am a sinner and I believe that he must have pray to have the best for him too, as a spouse. I love to assume that I am not the best for him, so I should be a good Muslim after this kan. I should be good to Allah and my family first. If he is not the best for me, thank God for helping me out, Alhamdulillah, I was given a chance to find someone better.

But whyyy, why he happens to be so nice. Don’t be nice to me, be rude. Be selfish, lie to me. If not, I fall. I fall easily. Not his mistake, not any men’s mistake. Thanks to him though. I have done thing I never thought I will. I never say to a guy that I like him. That was my confession which I’ll remember forever.