the secret admirer

tell me, is there anyone who does not have someone you like secretly or a crush or the one who has been liked secretly? so far, i am pretty sure, i have a lot of crush since i was in standard 4. i do not know if i have (a) secret admirer(s) or not because i have never seen any sign. sad fact about my life. okay, forget about it.

let’s talk about crush.

i love to have a crush. all this year, i have been thinking why and i think, it is because i am afraid of rejection, i do not want to know what others think, i basically feel enough to be able to like a person just from far. the point is I AM AFRAID. Having a crush is unlimited, haha. you can have many at the same time. crazy huh? me? i guess yeah.

i do not want to tell you about my first or second, i can’t remember all that. however, i do have one that always a dear in my heart. his name is Y, no full name please, if he is married, it could be endanger his marriage, if not, i do not want him to know even it has been 8 years now. dram queen award please!

how should i describe this Y guy? Y is manly, he was a rugby player. he has this beautiful fingers and one tiny beauty mark on top of his lips. he speaks less. he wore spectacles, i am not sure now, he rarely updates his instagram. duhhhh.

basically, i liked him because of his fingers or i am not quite sure why. he is not that handsome but he is fine.

once upon a time,

the cadbury crunch
my class was invited to visit a factory, can’t recall what kind but as an engineering student, we had to go. on the journey back to dorm, we stopped at petrol station and i bought a chocolate, Cadbury Crunch (yep still remember). i planned to give it to him but this woman here was so afraid so she kept it.

then my friend asked me, “hey, you want to give him that right?”. i said, “yep, but i don’t know how and kind a shy.” she offered to give it on behalf of me. i requested her to give him when i was not on sight. after a while, my friend came and said, “he says thanks”

at night, i could not fall asleep. happy? of course. but that was not the reason, i was afraid to go to school. i wanted to run away, changed my school, anything that can help me. obviously, i still had to go. during my engineering drawing, i packed my bag quickly, my mind chanted, “please don’t come, please don’t come, i could die if you come and talk to me” repeatedly. but he came, in front of me. i became frozen, it felt like my face was gone, my hands, legs, where the hell they were? i got very nervous.

he asked me, “did you gave the chocolate to me?” i looked at my leg because i love my leg so much and said, “yeah” very soft, even i couldn’t confirmed my own replied. then he said, “thank you.” i gather all my bones and looked at him, “yeahh.” and smile. so awkward. know what, it just finished there. nothing more, nothing else.


please don’t be like me. don’t be afraid to ask. for all i know, he could be the one (How I Met Your Mother much). as for Muslim, we are advised to make connection, to get to know with several guidelines from Quran and Sunnah.

bad hijab day

oh malaysian really loves hijab. we have so many material, pattern, style and color. if hollywood has fashionista, here we have hijabista. ohh, don’t look into your hundred pages of Oxford Dictionary cause it is not there.

and today, i have made a decision (wrong one though) to borrow my mom hijab, half moon shawl. never once i wear that or have intention to but today, i did. just because i adore the color so much which is brownish gold and it matches my baju kurung (traditional woman cloth for malay).

usually, i would have try it at night, to see whether it is okay or not or at least i can think of how to actually wear it nicely. but nope, i just watched sherlock and went to sleep. this morning, i nearly cried because the back of my hijab, the half moon one, looked awfully terrible. it still does look terrible now even i have corrected it like five times.

i am not going anywhere today. i am going to sit at my place until five p.m. yes, i will. i just to have to control bladder, that’s all. my confident level drops by 60% and that is just too much.

the point is for someone as dull as me, who loves the same style every single day, DO NOT TRY TO CHANGE AT THE LAST MINUTE, you’ll regret it.