Speak Only Truth

So much going on in my life past few months. My phone’s screen cracks thus I can’t post here. I have been very lazy to open my laptop to write new entry. I basically just do everything on my phone (check email, visit JobStreet, scroll Facebook) except for one thing which is update my blog. It is annoying that WordPress app didn’t really focus on it’s tilt screen design.

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INTERNSHIP

I am done with my internship since February and I have been jobless since then. Can you imagine how my life would be? Okay, it is not entirely bad. I was just being a good-not-so-good housewife AKA maid. Nothing much is going there. I have sent about 20 resumes which I guess much lower than my friend and I don’t get any interview. However, one day I received a call that I get to join a training that comes with quite numbers of benefits (allowance 1k per month, a professional certificate on which course I applied and on-the-job training). Alhamdulillah.

TRAINING

It started last May. I was so excited, I finally have something to do rather than just being at home. Although I enjoy lying on the couch and watch movies non-stop but I better get busy. As mentioned by the organizer, I have to attend two months in-class training which sounds legit and fun. For the first months, we are taught about soft skills and so May ends. No allowance is received until now. We talked to the organizer, some discussion had been made, some explanation had been explained and finally one thing to be sure is that even they are not sure about our allowance. They are taking risk to mention about allowance while the main organizer stated that there will be no allowance.

Two more things arise, course that I have chose is yet to be started until August (which may or may not be true) because they said each courses need to have about 15 more participants. They didn’t even mention this until June. Another one is that this program should start on July or August based on the main organizer. Why would they hide all of these details? Why wouldn’t they speak the truth? Why would they play with people’s need?

One of us assume that they are afraid that we might left this program if they tell us to wait until July or August. But you know what? You have lied and because of your misconduct in managing all of these, I might or I will left this program.

One thing you shouldn’t play with is people’s need. One thing you shouldn’t make joke is people’s need.

Most of us are fresh graduate students who are very much in need for a job, in need of a place in any companies, and in need of money. We are excited to think of giving parents our salary. We are burdened with our study loan. We are in need, indeed. Don’t play with that and speak the truth.

In Islam, we have redha. It is an acceptance (fully accept) to whatever happens. If this is what it is, I accept it as a lesson for me and the organization. I accept it as for me to become strong and careful. I accept it as a sign from Allah that it is to Him and only Him I should put my trust. I accept it as a sign that He is planning something way better than this.

I Love Her

*Ironing tons of clothes*
“You never ease my work when you are at home”

*Folding some clothes*
“You never help me at all”

*Vacuuming and sweeping the floor*
“It will be easier if you are not home at all”

These are the words that slip from her mouth whenever either I forgot to wash some clothes or if I swept the floor a bit late once in awhile or if I have not finish folding clothes before she arrived home.

“Why does she always say that?”
“She has always been like that when she’s mad”

“Can’t you say something about it?”
“I don’t want to prolong the fight, just be patience. ”

” You know, these are the reasons why I want to stay at mahallah sometimes.”
“……..”

I used to think that one day I want stay alone at my own house. I used to have the idea of leaving. Years by years came along, I have grown up to 25 years old and I love her unconditionally. Yet, it comes with sacrifice. As I grow up, as my man always remind me to be patience, I am being patience but I am a human and I am not perfect. That idea comes back. That wish to leave comes back. I still love her unconditionally.

I want to be in paradise. With her and him. I am afraid of hellfire. I don’t want to go to hell. I told myself, “Who likes imperfection?” I don’t like imperfection. I am particular in whatever I did at work. I guess it is the same for her. She dislike imperfection. There is nothing wrong with that, it is preference.

Written in The Other Side of The Coin by Aiman Azlan and Ameen Misran,

In Surh az-Zumar verse 10 the translation, Allah mentioned to the believers that as a slave, fear only to Him. Do good and get good rewards. Be patience and get reward in full beyond your dreams.

I want both.

I have decided to be quite and ask her for forgiveness of any imperfection have I given to her. I pray, Dear Allah, please let her heart full of patience and forgive all of her mistakes cause she is a human and she is a very very very good person at home, to the elders and to the community.

The pain is there when those words listen by my ear and goes to my heart. I guess I just have to be patience and trust Him.

The Confession

A Day of 2016
Best Dream Ever
Can’t you see
Hurt
Neutralise
A Clear Hint, perhaps?

Okay, those are the list of my posts regarding a man. A man which has put a spell on me (drama too much). I guess I must have get the wrong spell because of what happen on the next paragraph.

I did it. I confessed. I made it. I had discussion with two advisors, S and I. I, she said that I should confess and I actually want to do it. All of his sweet and nice gestures, have make me assume things (women’s weakness) that I should have not. In order to get things right, I think I should and thanks to I, for her support, I did it bravely. S, at first when I told her that his colleague match making Shahirah for him, S told me to forget him. Then, I asked whether is it a good idea for me to confess, she said, “why not?”. “Once you know, you’ll feel much better”, she said. Do it casually.

I DID IT. Before that, I texted him to send my regards to his colleague which happen to know me (I am done with internship). Just to be casual, I guess. hahaha. Awkward right? He said, “okay, you must be feeling different to finish internship, you should not” yada yada in 4 lines. Then, I replied with “yeahh, all kinds of feelings, sad, happy, excited” yada yada. At the last line, I said, “btw, I have feelings for you. If you’re not okay with it, then I’m fine”. That was like the most awkward things I have ever said to men. That is my first confession ever to a guy.

I switched on my phone until around 8 p.m. I feel nervous and somehow, okay. I feel relieved. I looked at his text, he said in 4 to 5 lines.
*smiley face* *smiley face*
its okay
but sorry, I, kinda hard to have feelings, it takes time
sorry ea
its okay don’t be sad, your degree is done
after this, you can start work
That is all. I replied with, “hahaha, okay. Yeah, happy that I’m done and inshaaAllah, should start looking soon”. Cool lah sangat, cool la sangat. It hurts a bit. This heart not broken but it has scar now.

Told my friends about it. They said, be strong and I should move one and they know it hurts but now that I know, its better that not knowing. Isn’t? I prayed to God, I am not the best Muslim to Him but I did say in my prayer, if he says no, then he may be not the best for me or may be I am not the best for him. I have sins, I am a sinner and I believe that he must have pray to have the best for him too, as a spouse. I love to assume that I am not the best for him, so I should be a good Muslim after this kan. I should be good to Allah and my family first. If he is not the best for me, thank God for helping me out, Alhamdulillah, I was given a chance to find someone better.

But whyyy, why he happens to be so nice. Don’t be nice to me, be rude. Be selfish, lie to me. If not, I fall. I fall easily. Not his mistake, not any men’s mistake. Thanks to him though. I have done thing I never thought I will. I never say to a guy that I like him. That was my confession which I’ll remember forever.

A Clear Hint, perhaps?

So so so so so so. My love life. hahahha. No lahh, I have no one yet. So, I have been hitting on a guy. Lol, that sounds so not right and yaikks. But yeah, I am. Things I have done are ermmm I just texted work stuff and smiled and laughed at his jokes and yeah basically nothing. Nothing. But hey, I did update my WhatsApp status the abbreviation of his name, in Hangul, he should be like curious and look at it. But then yesterday, I had my internship presentation, he did look through window of meeting room and did good luck body language to me. That make me smile for days. Hahahaha. Sad things happen in between my moment of happiness. I overheard his colleagues teased him to get married with his colleague, hellooo, I am here okay, waiting for you. Hishh. That woman name is Shahirah, huh huh huh, Shahirah. Then, a close friend of mine, we work as a team and she is nice, she told me, she likes him too. What should I do? I am not saying that I have any future progress with him but we did text and he did say something sweet or funny to me which may be I am just get ahead of myself but yeah, its something, isn’t.. As for today, I bought a slice of cake for him, as my internship will end on Monday and he is nice,  he bought me (or us) pizza and he gave me Arabian Rice, so yeah to say thanks and to give a hint that I like you lah man. He replied short and sweet. So, now I am thinking to confess, or at least go for personal question.  Haaaaa, but about my friend here, should I told her that we both have feelings for the same guy. Should I…

Acne: Never Ending Drama

Acne problem is like never ending drama right? Yet, I still think this is because of my cleanliness of sponge used and brush. I rarely took care of sponge as well as my blusher brush is like there all the time in make up bag, ready to use. So, today I am going take it all and wash it all clean. I promise, I promise. However, I still something to cover my acne marks as well as toner (the one I used is quite expensive and nearly empty).

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I have read about OXY acne mark cream from a .net blog but I don’t remember what does it call. Oh yeah, it calls streetlove.net, I guess. Just street love, you may found it. It says that this OXY acne mark cream is good and since I have been using OXY face wash (most of the type available), I love OXY. I feel much cleaner and fresh as well as it doesn’t dry out my skin. Before this I have been using Safi, since my mom used it, it works on my mom but not to me. My face became so dry that sometimes my skin peels off. So, yeah not for me. As for this toner, I have yet to try it, but since I think that OXY has been a very good product to me, so why not give this toner a chance. Currently, I am using Neutrogena. I love it, it works nice on skin but I am kind of tight on budget so I should product that much cheaper. Should I do a review on these both? I am no expert but yeah, what the heck? I will update on how I feel of these both.

Positivity 2: Facebook Status

Have you ever type on things you are mad of or things that actually meant for someone on Facebook status or Twitter yet you turn your back, delete and cancel your status?

I did, couple of times already. There a lot of things that I wish I can directly post it as my status, especially when I’m mad at someone or when I think it is good for others but I cancel it. Most of the time, it is mainly because of how I care so much about my relationship with people who might read it and think that the status is for them.

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There is also moment where I was so mad that I needed the world to know (childish), I wrote it all on Facebook status, draft and then I deleted it. I didn’t post it.

At that time, I realise what I need was not to post it to Facebook but to let it go, to speak up, let all the burning mad feeling out of my chest. I felt weirdly calm after I am done and then my sense came in. I thought, “I should have not post this”.

All we need is being positive on the inside and the outside. Okay, I’ll probably will write when I am mad but not on Facebook but here. Out of the things that I may be mad about, there is tiny lesson that we can learn from, isn’t?

Positivity 1: Free Food

Still remember my post on positivity? What, no one reads it. Okay then, please proceed here

Yesterday, I made a mistake where I generated wrong reports so today I had to regenerate it back. Number of reports not that much and it doesn’t cause that much of tension. Generating reports is easy and you know, admin work.

Then, I was told that I need to take a project which I used to it but I am not in the mood of it. Okay, that definitely emotional distress and self-construct mistake.

However, today at lunch, a colleague bought me lunch. Food is always a good remedy. It s beautiful to see how God’s work. I was be given hard times which is always came from our own emotion but then God sent me happiness through a colleague.

Whatever religion you hold, whatever believes you follow, always remember to look for happy things around you. As for me, someone bought me lunch. It could be anything. It could be that today you saw mom playing with her kids at park, it could be how easy for you to get your bus or train back home. Even the tiniest thing could bring a smile to you.