The Confession

A Day of 2016
Best Dream Ever
Can’t you see
Hurt
Neutralise
A Clear Hint, perhaps?

Okay, those are the list of my posts regarding a man. A man which has put a spell on me (drama too much). I guess I must have get the wrong spell because of what happen on the next paragraph.

I did it. I confessed. I made it. I had discussion with two advisors, S and I. I, she said that I should confess and I actually want to do it. All of his sweet and nice gestures, have make me assume things (women’s weakness) that I should have not. In order to get things right, I think I should and thanks to I, for her support, I did it bravely. S, at first when I told her that his colleague match making Shahirah for him, S told me to forget him. Then, I asked whether is it a good idea for me to confess, she said, “why not?”. “Once you know, you’ll feel much better”, she said. Do it casually.

I DID IT. Before that, I texted him to send my regards to his colleague which happen to know me (I am done with internship). Just to be casual, I guess. hahaha. Awkward right? He said, “okay, you must be feeling different to finish internship, you should not” yada yada in 4 lines. Then, I replied with “yeahh, all kinds of feelings, sad, happy, excited” yada yada. At the last line, I said, “btw, I have feelings for you. If you’re not okay with it, then I’m fine”. That was like the most awkward things I have ever said to men. That is my first confession ever to a guy.

I switched on my phone until around 8 p.m. I feel nervous and somehow, okay. I feel relieved. I looked at his text, he said in 4 to 5 lines.
*smiley face* *smiley face*
its okay
but sorry, I, kinda hard to have feelings, it takes time
sorry ea
its okay don’t be sad, your degree is done
after this, you can start work
That is all. I replied with, “hahaha, okay. Yeah, happy that I’m done and inshaaAllah, should start looking soon”. Cool lah sangat, cool la sangat. It hurts a bit. This heart not broken but it has scar now.

Told my friends about it. They said, be strong and I should move one and they know it hurts but now that I know, its better that not knowing. Isn’t? I prayed to God, I am not the best Muslim to Him but I did say in my prayer, if he says no, then he may be not the best for me or may be I am not the best for him. I have sins, I am a sinner and I believe that he must have pray to have the best for him too, as a spouse. I love to assume that I am not the best for him, so I should be a good Muslim after this kan. I should be good to Allah and my family first. If he is not the best for me, thank God for helping me out, Alhamdulillah, I was given a chance to find someone better.

But whyyy, why he happens to be so nice. Don’t be nice to me, be rude. Be selfish, lie to me. If not, I fall. I fall easily. Not his mistake, not any men’s mistake. Thanks to him though. I have done thing I never thought I will. I never say to a guy that I like him. That was my confession which I’ll remember forever.

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Acne: Never Ending Drama

Acne problem is like never ending drama right? Yet, I still think this is because of my cleanliness of sponge used and brush. I rarely took care of sponge as well as my blusher brush is like there all the time in make up bag, ready to use. So, today I am going take it all and wash it all clean. I promise, I promise. However, I still something to cover my acne marks as well as toner (the one I used is quite expensive and nearly empty).

I have read about OXY acne mark cream from a .net blog but I don’t remember what does it call. Oh yeah, it calls streetlove.net, I guess. Just street love, you may found it. It says that this OXY acne mark cream is good and since I have been using OXY face wash (most of the type available), I love OXY. I feel much cleaner and fresh as well as it doesn’t dry out my skin. Before this I have been using Safi, since my mom used it, it works on my mom but not to me. My face became so dry that sometimes my skin peels off. So, yeah not for me. As for this toner, I have yet to try it, but since I think that OXY has been a very good product to me, so why not give this toner a chance. Currently, I am using Neutrogena. I love it, it works nice on skin but I am kind of tight on budget so I should product that much cheaper. Should I do a review on these both? I am no expert but yeah, what the heck? I will update on how I feel of these both.

A Day of 2016

Happy New Year.
How did I spent the very first day of 2016? Grocery shopping with mom. If you think it is dull, nahhh, you are wrong. Mom looks different today, she spent a lot. That’s new. Glad!

New year eve, not so much happening things happen around me. I spent by watching telly and Korean drama until 2 a.m. Just listen to the fireworks around the neighbourhood. It is not that I don’t fancy fireworks, I still amazed when I see one but I don’t run for it. Unless a guy make a surprise for me, then I’ll definitely run to him, not the fireworks. hahaha.

My 2015.
January was empty a bit. One of my roommate is done with her campus and pursued for her internship programme. Dad was admitted to hospital as he injured from motorbike accident. Alhamdulillah he is fine, even though he did say his knees feel a little strange. Hope it’ll get better soon. Months after that, we got all stressed out for our final year project. Our supervisor is good yet oh my God, her expectation and demands were just beyond our capabilities. We had some issues, unresolved till now. Sad though to finish it in an awkward way but she started it. We still managed to get B+ even though we made it to Top 10. Top 10, she simply said, it must be no other choices to be in the list. I don’t blame her 100%, unachievable expectation can hurt so much and she must be feeling so incomplete and stuff. She did help us get through this tough time, so we are sorry and thank you for everything. We had a blast 2015. Lots of thing actually. I remember it before I started to write this, and now I can’t. Short memory girl passing through..

I cried as I remembered. Two times last year, one because of a friend and one because of final year project. Mentioned it in last post titled, Friend That Go and in this post for final year project. Funny thing on 2015, okay uhmmmm, can’t remember any but I am pretty sure I had tons of it. Okay lets talk personal life.

I have no one as boyfriend until last December 2015 and still no one on the very first day of 2016. However, I just have someone in my mind, lately. A friend used to ask me, (when I talked about my crush, A), do you like him as if you want to marry him? I don’t know and I am not sure, I replied. Hahaha, yes I am not sure. But in this case, friend, I want to marry him. Yet, I don’t know how to approach him. It is complicated. I have no experience in this kind of thing. I think of him almost every second, minute and hour.

Basically that was how my 2016 ends. Thinking of him day and night. Looking at our conversation on WhatsApp last two days. Does he have no intention to ask me anything, like anything at all?

This Day

Exactly today, a baby was born at Hospital Besar Kuala Lumpur. I don’t know which bed, which doctor, what time and any details at all. December 18th, 1991 marked the day where a friend of mine was born. I was somewhere in my home, probably in mom’s hand or snuggle in my crib. 19 years later, we met.

She was rushed to check-in to our mahallah (university’s room) as I looked at her, tried to say hello and make friends. Instead, she just went out from the office. I said to myself, “Okay fine”. You know exactly how fate works, we can’t predict and we can’t run away, if its suppose to happen. She was my roommate. We stayed together for 4 years and half, I wish for more.

I have two besties, S and IM which they always be with me in my bad and good. They took care of me when I was out of sense. I love them both equally.

There are a lot of things, bad and good, happen to us. We fought like sisters. She was the one who actually went home when we fought. Years later, I followed her step, went home just because we fought.

I rarely fight with my other roommate, it could be because she simple minded like that, just cool or just don’t bother if I sucked up. Still love her though, S.

On our final year, me and IM cried together as something unpleasant happen in our small group of friends. I don’t want to talk about this. Just not today, because today is a happy day. I was stubborn, and of course far away from being a good Muslimah. Advices by parents stay for couple of minutes and then I became, not necessarily bad but stubborn, again. I simply lazy to go to any occasion which involves listening and understanding. Both of them, S and IM, who kept on invited me, softly. As I then became ashamed of myself if I said no and then enjoyed involved in such occasion, slowly loves to listen.

ohh, looks like both of them are nice but don’t let me start on how stubborn can they be. Lets just keep that as my, our, secret.

Okay lets just slip this one. All nice thing can be so bored isn’t. She’s, ermm how can say it nicely, she’s a woman with principle. Both of them actually. People with principle is sometimes hard to catch up with, you know. Oh mann, I too a woman with weird principal. They know it, obviously. Don’t treat me when I don’t have money. I don’t like it, but still that depends on my mood.

IM and I, we just clicked, you know. Even though, I know there were moments where she can’t stand me and I, secretly, can’t stand her but in any relationship, in order to make it works, you have to accept the unpleasant things and just swallow it. Unless it involves some murderous or crime or religious misconception, then yes, let it go, let it go..

I just want to say thank you for all you have done for me, woke me up every single days, advices me when I was out of sense, supports me, shares knowledge and thank you for just be there.

Thanks to dearest S, even though you are so lazy to text me an essay with bundles of words, but I still love you because that is just who you are and I respect that. hahahaha.

Picture says it all,

Being Selfish

Mom always, always, always, say that it will be hard for me to get someone who have values like her husband aka my dad. He is not perfect but for me, yes, it is hard to get a man like him these days.

History is history, I don’t care for the man he used to be but now, I see him much better than other men,young men. Pretty sure most of us think of our dad highly than others, no doubt on that, experience what makes someone better and your dad are amazing too. No hard feelings, okay. I just compare it with young gentlemen.

He don’t mind to do laundry from A to Z on weekend. Sometimes week days.
He loves to cook snack for us in the evening.  He can hear me, his daughter, talk about anything, problems and mom’s related issue (shhhh), and boys and marriage.
He laughs when I fought with my sister about who should clean up our cat’s poop.
He calms my heart when I was about to burst from disagreement with my mom.
He talks me some sense.
He let my mom have her own free time with her friends.

Why bold? Because this is what most young men couldn’t give to her spouse, I guess. We, women tend to lose our friends after each of them getting married, isn’t? Responsibilities here and there.
I am being selfish. I do say in my prayer, let my friends be my friends even when they get married. I wish I can get a man, of course good in religion, and also allows me to have some time-off from house chores and stuff.

I am being selfish to have all for me. To have their time for me. To have both family and friends for me.

I am being selfish.

Surprise Gift

Finally,
I have been planning to buy thing like this for mom and today I bought it!

Wow, so much shopping for the past two days huh, Izzati?
Well, why not?

I just purchased 3 hour massage package for my mom at only RM38. Normal price is supposed to be hundreds. I googled for Groupon packages and I found this one. Just near my home and 3 hour package. Includes foot reflexology. Why not?

What do you think about mom’s reaction? We have to wait for that one because, funny story it is, this gift is for her birthday next year on February, 1st. Hahahahaha. Too early huh? Good things can’t wait.

Ordered My Dream Shoe

As you can see from my super obvious and straight to the point title, I just ordered my dream shoe.

Hurrahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

Happy me, Happy me.
Frankly speaking, we, women must have our dream shoe. Isn’t?

Agree? High 5!

So what kind of shoe did I just ordered? Any guesses? Is it heel with peep toe and ribbon? Is it flat shoe with flower? Is it pump shoe crazily hard to walk with? Is it a wedding heel with gorgeous laces patch?

Nope. Actually, I don’t quite sure what kind of shoe did I just ordered. Hahaha. For all I know I have been keeping the picture for months and I have been trying to have it since then.

All of this usual problem of financial constraint and prioritise things that need to be prioritise, I hold my dream to be just a dream. Sounds serious enough huh? It is just a shoe. Drama alert!

Alhamdulillah, Thank God, after deep thinking, discussion with my dad, looking at bank account, I said to myself, instead of this money be gone in my stomach (food consumption), I should really just buy something. *angel laugh*

Okay about my “discussion with my dad” above, it is true okay. I did ask him, is it okay for me to buy a shoe, pleaseeee, I want one. He said it is up to you.

In 3 to 4 days, I will receive my package and I hope it is into my like. Wait for the update!

Sleep Sleep

Sleep is the best thing ever after shopping.

Agree or disagree?

Productive days have its own productive days but when you aren’t productive and you really doesn’t feel like to be productive, there is nothing you can do about it.

We just want to lay around and close our eyes. Or even if we just look at the top of our ceiling, thinking about the past and future, that is enough. It simply means we just don’t want to do anything at all.

I am at that moment. Girls, you have to agree that we have this monthly moment where we would love to just lay around our comfy bed, watch movies and sleep.

But now I am attending a wedding by the pool. As it is by the pool, it calm my heart a bit, makes me forgotten all about sleep and bed.

Yeyy to wedding by the pool!

friend that go

in this post, you can never judge me as being bias to friendship instead of family. i have lots of love to share. My love for my family is unbeatable and my love for friends are inevitable.

We all have friends right? Even if you say no, we don’t have group thingy but actually we do have one, unplanned. I have one. As for the past 4 years, my closest consists of 4 people then down to 3, after a year, it increases to 5, 6 and 7. Yes, it is small but I love them.

Every birthday occasions, we celebrated it. We went out and ate, we collected money and bought not-so-fancy presents but with love. Then, came a tiny argument. For me, it is tiny. Tiny misunderstanding. Have you been hurt by your friends? I did. We all did.

However, it is the matter of how you handle it. If you truly love, you will try to calm your heart on your own because you can’t afford to lost your friends. As how you love your family, no matter it is your fault or not, you can’t afford to lost your sisters, brothers and parents.

Friend that go, she hated us or me so much. I told mom about this, until now, I am wondering, how else should I do to make it okay, what exactly does she need from us (me)? Mom said, why do you still think about her? I love her mom, we are friend (I said it in my heart)

flawless skin

I am a Malaysian, a Muslim. My dad is a Malaysian Javanese and my mom is a Minang. So there is no way my skin was white. No way. I have a bit brown coloured skin with a little bit reddish on the chick and forehead (sometime). Even though I don’t have white skin color, I love myself and I just want to make sure my skin is okay with no acne or at least not much of acnes.

However, people in my country (I am not sure other country) is currently obsessed of being white, white and white. Everyone are prepared to spend hundreds of Ringgit to have white skin color.

I do not understand this. Yes, I did say to my friend, if you are chubby but white, people don’t care about how chubby you are because at the very least, you have a common and likeable skin color (as I say situation at my place) which is white.

I do wear several skin products, just to make sure my skin is healthy and clean from dust or bacteria from outside. But my focus was not to have white skin color. I am proud of my skin. I am amazed that most people who have dark skin color from other country look amazingly beautiful and they love themselves.

For example, Tyra Banks (I love her). As I also reckon some of my university mate who are from Nigeria, Ghana, they have amazingly beautiful skin. You must know that Barbie who has dark skin color right? Yes for me, they are like that. Beautiful in their own way.

The most important thing is skin care. If you know how to cherish your skin, even if your skin are like mine, not that white, you can still look amazing. You also need to stop buying foundation that is not your skin color. As I always saw, some people who are obsessed being white, they tend to use foundation or powder that is not their color. It looks weird. I am not pretty myself but believe me, who else going to appreciate yourself just as yourself if its not you, yourself. Get it?

One thing that afraid me is when this obsession of being white is taken over the media, newspaper, telly and internet, kids who are still learning will learn the wrong thing. My sister, has being bullied by her friend about her skin color and what else could be happening in the future if everyone only sees beauty is equal to white skin.

Believe in yourself, trust yourself and bring out your confident by appreciating yourself.