If You are Here

If I’m yours.

It will be awkward at first. If we were on our fist date, I may just keep myself shut. I don’t really know how to deal with such situation.

What should I say? 

What should I ask? 

Should I ask? 

or Should I just listen? 

Is it okay for me to eat this? 

Am I being too straight forward about my opinion? 

Do I have to stop being me for a while? 

Do this will work?

I don’t know. It has to be awkward; I must say. That will be the first for me. Just me and a guy. 

After several times, if I am comfortable enough, I may tell you stories, I may ask stupid questions but frankly speaking, I guess I still feel awkward. I will always be. 
Bad mood? Yes, you will have to deal with it. I nag about things; work, ideas, and could be about you too. Everyone has their own bad day, I am pretty sure you have your own bad day too. I’ll try to keep my chin up and deal with it. So did you. 
If you ask me about my past, I can only tell you, I have no past relationship because it is the truth. One-sided love? Yes, plenty of it; I can tell you if you can share yours. Jealousy, even I strongly believe (for now) I may not, but I also believe that I will be jealous. You should be proud if I did, because it shows that I care. No worries, I’ll try to keep it sane. 

Materialism. No, I am not the kind of woman who look into brand. You’ll be happy with me because I always take a look of price tags before I decide. Hipster cafe, not really. If I can get delicious chicken chop at RM10, why would I pay double for different plating. However, that does not mean I don’t want though. I spend more money on food rather than on clothes. Especially Korean dishes. Ooppss, but don’t worry because I can always go Dutch. We can split the bill. 

Only few know about this. My closest friends know this. I keep myself shut and tight at home if I don’t have money. Some people left me out, since I always say no, but I hope you didn’t. If my closest friends can understand me saying no, why can’t you, right? Since you will be closer to me than my friends. 

I love to fight about ideas. I always have debate with my parents. They call it being stubborn but I assume it to be a debate. After all, we talked about ideas, don’t we? There is no winning or losing but the adrenaline rush that you get during discussion is satisfying. You may look forward to more discussions. You should just let win because it may be hard for me to stop. It’ll keep coming back; the topic. 

Credit to NatGeo, found on Facebook

Parents. One of the reasons for you to be chosen is that you can can friend friend with ayah. Not that I’m saying his lonely what so ever; he has friends more than me I guess, it is just sad to see him working things at home alone. I did offer to help him with his work like cutting woods or tidying his garage but he always says no. So, perhaps if you were there, you can help him. Ibu will glad too to have you. She favors outsiders. I’m joking. hahaha. 

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Ibu Being A Mom

Rarely parents will say nicely about their kids in front of other people. Usually, they’ll say about how late we wake up in the morning or maybe how lame we are in the kitchen. But apparently, ibu aka my mom is not like that when it comes to work opportunity.

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Last Eid, we went to visit our relatives as usual. This Eid was a little bit different; a little on the topic of my don’t-know-when marriage proposal but more on work. This time, ibu had to ask every single aunties and uncles we met if their companies have any work opportunities. Some will be awkward about this situation, but I am actually glad for her to be like this.

Couple of weeks a go, I had an interview at international company. I thought it was only one interview session since they didn’t mention any about second interview. However, last Monday, I had to go through second interview. Of course, my heart is full of colors and hopes because damn, it was a second interview. It means the luck could be there. Allah, please make it works. Since then, ibu keeps on mention about this particular job opportunity to everyone. She said to one of my friends that she’s tired of me being at home. Okay ibu, okay.

I thank Allah for giving me such mom. Even though, I am afraid that the job is not for me (O’Allah please don’t take that statement as my pray, I need that job; I want to pay my PTPTN)then everyone will know about my failure, yet, all in all it is great.

Thanks ibu for being a mom.

Transition

Each one of us will go through these.
We go from baby to toddler.
We go from toddler to teenager.
We go from teenager to adult.
We go from single to mom or dad.
We go from student to career person.

These are some of the transitions we will go through.
I may say as a kid, I wished I can be an adult quickly. I want to have my own life. I want to own a car or a house. I want to work.
But as an adult; now I find being a kid is what every adults wish for.

We used to think secondary school was tough than primary. We used to think university life was tough than being at school. But no,it is no different actually. Either we are at school or university, we are still in the process of learning, we are still together with friends; new or old and we are still us.

Working is a different story. I, myself are yet to have a career. But in the process of this transition, I get worried, a lot. I am tough. Most of the people I know will say I am tough, fierce, easily get mad, no worries and strong. But that are not all of it. I do some thinking too. And I am the person who dearly remember good times with families and friends. I always look at my old journals and reminisce good or bad old times.

I used to get jealous when my cousin is about to get married or has girlfriend/boyfriend. Just because at that time I know that I will be left out. This kind of transition about life is eating me. I get jealous for my parents too; when mom’s friends came over and when dad (I can’t think of anything about me being jealous at my dad)

So, transition of being an adult actually killing me. I have responsibilities toward my financial status, I need to make my parents happy, I want to support them, I need a husband, and I may not be able to meet my friends. Everyone has responsibilities now. Different priorities. I know I have to strongly accept this change even though it is hard.

A Bit

“I know you always assume I take you for granted. I know you are feeling that all your effort is useless to my eyes. All my naggings are for you, I want you to be useful. When you are at grandma, do some work, don’t just sit and lay down doing nothing.”

“I did right, it is not I didn’t do anything at all. “

“That was because I asked you. I don’t want you to wait when I asked you, then you do. Find work by yourself. Sweep floor. Clean the kitchen.”

A bit uncomfortable to do chores at grandma’s, yes that is what it is when I stay at grandma’s. The thing is when I start to clean her kitchen, she’ll be worried about her stuff because when I start cleaning, I clean thoroughly and my mouth will be talking too. It just natural. I start to talk about “this shouldn’t be here. This should be put here. We have talked about this grandma, this jar should be in the room.”  That kind stuff. She doesn’t like it. However, for Eid or if it has been too long, I still do it because it something that should be done and yes, when my mom asked me to do. hahahaha. Yeah mom, you’re right. You win.

Heyy, thing is I did. Okay, I think the reason why I was getting scold because I told her I didn’t bring my pad when I should because I just look my calendar and it was due. I was unprepared. Thus, it leads to old arguments that totally out of time. Therefore, women and men, be prepared. Especially, men. You know that you can run away from old arguments from us ladies if it start. Being unprepared may lead to this situation; you don’t want that to happen.

By the way, I had fun with mom this week. I must say, I have been terrible this weekend. We went to her friends’ open house for Eid; I was unlucky. I dropped a jar of cookie until the jar is broken. I accidently splash water to her her face which is of course unintentionally. She didn’t get mad. Sorry mom. It was just me, mom and my sister. We had fun filled up our tummy.

A bit of sorrow. A bit of happiness. That is life. In sorrow or madness, realisation of truth make us step backward and respect others. In sorrow and madness, a bit of unlucky events make us appreciate of what little happiness happen at the same time. It is also take a bit of our time to actually understand those. A bit.

I Love Her

*Ironing tons of clothes*
“You never ease my work when you are at home”

*Folding some clothes*
“You never help me at all”

*Vacuuming and sweeping the floor*
“It will be easier if you are not home at all”

These are the words that slip from her mouth whenever either I forgot to wash some clothes or if I swept the floor a bit late once in awhile or if I have not finish folding clothes before she arrived home.

“Why does she always say that?”
“She has always been like that when she’s mad”

“Can’t you say something about it?”
“I don’t want to prolong the fight, just be patience. ”

” You know, these are the reasons why I want to stay at mahallah sometimes.”
“……..”

I used to think that one day I want stay alone at my own house. I used to have the idea of leaving. Years by years came along, I have grown up to 25 years old and I love her unconditionally. Yet, it comes with sacrifice. As I grow up, as my man always remind me to be patience, I am being patience but I am a human and I am not perfect. That idea comes back. That wish to leave comes back. I still love her unconditionally.

I want to be in paradise. With her and him. I am afraid of hellfire. I don’t want to go to hell. I told myself, “Who likes imperfection?” I don’t like imperfection. I am particular in whatever I did at work. I guess it is the same for her. She dislike imperfection. There is nothing wrong with that, it is preference.

Written in The Other Side of The Coin by Aiman Azlan and Ameen Misran,

In Surh az-Zumar verse 10 the translation, Allah mentioned to the believers that as a slave, fear only to Him. Do good and get good rewards. Be patience and get reward in full beyond your dreams.

I want both.

I have decided to be quite and ask her for forgiveness of any imperfection have I given to her. I pray, Dear Allah, please let her heart full of patience and forgive all of her mistakes cause she is a human and she is a very very very good person at home, to the elders and to the community.

The pain is there when those words listen by my ear and goes to my heart. I guess I just have to be patience and trust Him.

The Confession

A Day of 2016
Best Dream Ever
Can’t you see
Hurt
Neutralise
A Clear Hint, perhaps?

Okay, those are the list of my posts regarding a man. A man which has put a spell on me (drama too much). I guess I must have get the wrong spell because of what happen on the next paragraph.

I did it. I confessed. I made it. I had discussion with two advisors, S and I. I, she said that I should confess and I actually want to do it. All of his sweet and nice gestures, have make me assume things (women’s weakness) that I should have not. In order to get things right, I think I should and thanks to I, for her support, I did it bravely. S, at first when I told her that his colleague match making Shahirah for him, S told me to forget him. Then, I asked whether is it a good idea for me to confess, she said, “why not?”. “Once you know, you’ll feel much better”, she said. Do it casually.

I DID IT. Before that, I texted him to send my regards to his colleague which happen to know me (I am done with internship). Just to be casual, I guess. hahaha. Awkward right? He said, “okay, you must be feeling different to finish internship, you should not” yada yada in 4 lines. Then, I replied with “yeahh, all kinds of feelings, sad, happy, excited” yada yada. At the last line, I said, “btw, I have feelings for you. If you’re not okay with it, then I’m fine”. That was like the most awkward things I have ever said to men. That is my first confession ever to a guy.

I switched on my phone until around 8 p.m. I feel nervous and somehow, okay. I feel relieved. I looked at his text, he said in 4 to 5 lines.
*smiley face* *smiley face*
its okay
but sorry, I, kinda hard to have feelings, it takes time
sorry ea
its okay don’t be sad, your degree is done
after this, you can start work
That is all. I replied with, “hahaha, okay. Yeah, happy that I’m done and inshaaAllah, should start looking soon”. Cool lah sangat, cool la sangat. It hurts a bit. This heart not broken but it has scar now.

Told my friends about it. They said, be strong and I should move one and they know it hurts but now that I know, its better that not knowing. Isn’t? I prayed to God, I am not the best Muslim to Him but I did say in my prayer, if he says no, then he may be not the best for me or may be I am not the best for him. I have sins, I am a sinner and I believe that he must have pray to have the best for him too, as a spouse. I love to assume that I am not the best for him, so I should be a good Muslim after this kan. I should be good to Allah and my family first. If he is not the best for me, thank God for helping me out, Alhamdulillah, I was given a chance to find someone better.

But whyyy, why he happens to be so nice. Don’t be nice to me, be rude. Be selfish, lie to me. If not, I fall. I fall easily. Not his mistake, not any men’s mistake. Thanks to him though. I have done thing I never thought I will. I never say to a guy that I like him. That was my confession which I’ll remember forever.

A Clear Hint, perhaps?

So so so so so so. My love life. hahahha. No lahh, I have no one yet. So, I have been hitting on a guy. Lol, that sounds so not right and yaikks. But yeah, I am. Things I have done are ermmm I just texted work stuff and smiled and laughed at his jokes and yeah basically nothing. Nothing. But hey, I did update my WhatsApp status the abbreviation of his name, in Hangul, he should be like curious and look at it. But then yesterday, I had my internship presentation, he did look through window of meeting room and did good luck body language to me. That make me smile for days. Hahahaha. Sad things happen in between my moment of happiness. I overheard his colleagues teased him to get married with his colleague, hellooo, I am here okay, waiting for you. Hishh. That woman name is Shahirah, huh huh huh, Shahirah. Then, a close friend of mine, we work as a team and she is nice, she told me, she likes him too. What should I do? I am not saying that I have any future progress with him but we did text and he did say something sweet or funny to me which may be I am just get ahead of myself but yeah, its something, isn’t.. As for today, I bought a slice of cake for him, as my internship will end on Monday and he is nice,  he bought me (or us) pizza and he gave me Arabian Rice, so yeah to say thanks and to give a hint that I like you lah man. He replied short and sweet. So, now I am thinking to confess, or at least go for personal question.  Haaaaa, but about my friend here, should I told her that we both have feelings for the same guy. Should I…

Can’t you see?

I like him. I don’t know why and how but I like him. Okay, I know why and how, actually.

First of all, my heart is very fragile. This heart that I have is like the most fragile thing you have ever seen. It is no one’s fault. It is my fault. I should have train my heart to be stronger. I just can’t be friends with men who love to tease me. I fall easily. This one particular guy, he teases me. Maybe not all the time (Man, he is so serious when he was busy), sometimes he does.

Yesterday, I posted a picture of me having lunch with a colleague (an adult woman). He asked me, “Who treat you yesterday?” . The way he asked me with deep voice, sounded curious and a little bit please-say-its-a-woman kinda way of speech, it makes me assume something that this stupid-fragile heart always did. I said, “Someone”. Then he said, “ohh its a woman in that picture”. See, doesn’t that mean he knows already. It seems like he asked me just to make sure that no guy is included. HUHHH

However, today (MYGOD) he kinda made some joke or I don’t know, he said I should be with one of colleague here in IT department. I was like, hellooooo, its me liking you lah, not that guy. By the way, I can’t even like the other guy. Just so you know, the other guy way of speech is sometimes harsh. So yeah, definitely no. Hey, I am not being choosy or anything here but my heart say no, I just don’t like someone who talk rudely and sometimes harsh even though yes, it is joke but just no. Who likes that kind of people? Being rude and talk loudly. Plus, he never even say anything at all to me and I did smile to him when I was just about two or three weeks here (friendly smile) but you know what, he just walked. He just walked. I also say salam, once but nothing. So yeah no way. By the way, this other guy is his friend. So I should try to be nice, isn’t? (Only if I get him lah)

I talked about this with my best friend. She said, “There are two possibilities here. One, he did that because he wants to see if I have someone or the second is whether he wants to prove that he has someone and I should stop hitting on him”. Basically, as a woman who has a heart on him, Allah, please let it be the first option.

“There are two possibilities here. One, he did that because he wants to see if I have someone or the second is he wants to prove that he has someone and I should stop hitting on him”.

This is like the most childish post I have ever wrote but being in love is somewhat mature and childish, isn’t?

Okay okay, if let say he read this and by all mean he does has someone very dear in his heart, please just ignore me by pretend that you didn’t read this or just post something link to your buah hati or send me you wedding invitation. Please don’t say directly to me you have someone, this fragile heart could be broken into tiny pieces and I am afraid that I can’t handle it well.