I Love Her

*Ironing tons of clothes*
“You never ease my work when you are at home”

*Folding some clothes*
“You never help me at all”

*Vacuuming and sweeping the floor*
“It will be easier if you are not home at all”

These are the words that slip from her mouth whenever either I forgot to wash some clothes or if I swept the floor a bit late once in awhile or if I have not finish folding clothes before she arrived home.

“Why does she always say that?”
“She has always been like that when she’s mad”

“Can’t you say something about it?”
“I don’t want to prolong the fight, just be patience. ”

” You know, these are the reasons why I want to stay at mahallah sometimes.”
“……..”

I used to think that one day I want stay alone at my own house. I used to have the idea of leaving. Years by years came along, I have grown up to 25 years old and I love her unconditionally. Yet, it comes with sacrifice. As I grow up, as my man always remind me to be patience, I am being patience but I am a human and I am not perfect. That idea comes back. That wish to leave comes back. I still love her unconditionally.

I want to be in paradise. With her and him. I am afraid of hellfire. I don’t want to go to hell. I told myself, “Who likes imperfection?” I don’t like imperfection. I am particular in whatever I did at work. I guess it is the same for her. She dislike imperfection. There is nothing wrong with that, it is preference.

Written in The Other Side of The Coin by Aiman Azlan and Ameen Misran,

In Surh az-Zumar verse 10 the translation, Allah mentioned to the believers that as a slave, fear only to Him. Do good and get good rewards. Be patience and get reward in full beyond your dreams.

I want both.

I have decided to be quite and ask her for forgiveness of any imperfection have I given to her. I pray, Dear Allah, please let her heart full of patience and forgive all of her mistakes cause she is a human and she is a very very very good person at home, to the elders and to the community.

The pain is there when those words listen by my ear and goes to my heart. I guess I just have to be patience and trust Him.

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The Confession

A Day of 2016
Best Dream Ever
Can’t you see
Hurt
Neutralise
A Clear Hint, perhaps?

Okay, those are the list of my posts regarding a man. A man which has put a spell on me (drama too much). I guess I must have get the wrong spell because of what happen on the next paragraph.

I did it. I confessed. I made it. I had discussion with two advisors, S and I. I, she said that I should confess and I actually want to do it. All of his sweet and nice gestures, have make me assume things (women’s weakness) that I should have not. In order to get things right, I think I should and thanks to I, for her support, I did it bravely. S, at first when I told her that his colleague match making Shahirah for him, S told me to forget him. Then, I asked whether is it a good idea for me to confess, she said, “why not?”. “Once you know, you’ll feel much better”, she said. Do it casually.

I DID IT. Before that, I texted him to send my regards to his colleague which happen to know me (I am done with internship). Just to be casual, I guess. hahaha. Awkward right? He said, “okay, you must be feeling different to finish internship, you should not” yada yada in 4 lines. Then, I replied with “yeahh, all kinds of feelings, sad, happy, excited” yada yada. At the last line, I said, “btw, I have feelings for you. If you’re not okay with it, then I’m fine”. That was like the most awkward things I have ever said to men. That is my first confession ever to a guy.

I switched on my phone until around 8 p.m. I feel nervous and somehow, okay. I feel relieved. I looked at his text, he said in 4 to 5 lines.
*smiley face* *smiley face*
its okay
but sorry, I, kinda hard to have feelings, it takes time
sorry ea
its okay don’t be sad, your degree is done
after this, you can start work
That is all. I replied with, “hahaha, okay. Yeah, happy that I’m done and inshaaAllah, should start looking soon”. Cool lah sangat, cool la sangat. It hurts a bit. This heart not broken but it has scar now.

Told my friends about it. They said, be strong and I should move one and they know it hurts but now that I know, its better that not knowing. Isn’t? I prayed to God, I am not the best Muslim to Him but I did say in my prayer, if he says no, then he may be not the best for me or may be I am not the best for him. I have sins, I am a sinner and I believe that he must have pray to have the best for him too, as a spouse. I love to assume that I am not the best for him, so I should be a good Muslim after this kan. I should be good to Allah and my family first. If he is not the best for me, thank God for helping me out, Alhamdulillah, I was given a chance to find someone better.

But whyyy, why he happens to be so nice. Don’t be nice to me, be rude. Be selfish, lie to me. If not, I fall. I fall easily. Not his mistake, not any men’s mistake. Thanks to him though. I have done thing I never thought I will. I never say to a guy that I like him. That was my confession which I’ll remember forever.

The Guy Is Yet To Be Found

Talked about marriage, again. Yes, again. People are assuming that marriage can only be talked by, one who is planning a wedding, one who is married and one who was married. Especially in my culture, if you don’t have groom-to-be or we called it “calon”, you seems to have no right to speak about marriage. It seems that you are so eager to get married even though you have yet to have someone.

In term of Islamic point of view, I think this is absolutely not right. “Jodoh” or our fate on marriage is all depends on Allah permission, isn’t? So, when someone is yet to have someone or yet to get married, please don’t assume that they don’t want or no one wants them or you know, negative thought. It could be because it is still not his or her time to get married.

As in my case, yes, the guy is yet to be found. People keep on telling me that I am not looking. Keep on telling me that I have grouchy-cat face 24/7. Keep on telling me to loose my weight (that one I do want to loose my weight) and I am trying to make things right. If you are telling me my attitude is the problem, so why there are still divorce case, doesn’t that mean he or she is marrying one with negative attitude. But he or she is marrying his or her spouse, still. Isn’t?

Talk about other people’s fate seems to be a trend these days. If talk about attitude, Islamic ethic, problem in our culture, how rude younger people to the eldest, shouldn’t it be better?

dad laughed at my sudden statement

“hey, i’m going to Japan next year.” I read my cousin’s text repeatedly. she just went to China and South Korea, and now she told me she will be visiting Japan.

minutes later, there was me, wailed to my mom why am I still here? why can’t i go to South Korea. i can speak hangul, a bit. i have learn their food,  tradition and basic sentence such as where can i find a toilet. i know where to go, i already have a list of places there but why can’t i be there?

i wailed to my dad, cried with no tears mentioned about the same hot issue of tonight to him. dad, simple man, he said, “stop crying, you are 24 years old and you cry like a child”. okay this is where he laughed when i answered, “why can’t cry and be sad and manja ( coquettish behavior by women designed to elicit sympathy or pampering by men). I thought men love woman like me, manja and all that.” he laughed. but my manja does sound a liiiiitle bit annoying after some times.

so why can’t i be there? because Allah does not yet gives His permission to me. simple answer to a simple question. therefore, as a good Muslim (trying to be one, and still learning), i must accept this as my predestined. one day in the future, perhaps. or maybe He wants to send me to His places; Mecca and Medina before others. who knows right?

the reason why my dad laughed is unknown. whether my statement is correct or cute or wrong, i don’t know. all in all, i am in the middle of setting my mind into peace. bye all.

hug and kiss

who love being hug and kiss?

many of us find being hug can actually calm our burning heart and when we are sad, hug can actually bring out tears that we keep.

people that i have hugged are my friends (women only), my sister, cousins (women only), my mom and dad.

i still remember when my family received a call mentioned that my aunt had passed away, my mom and me, we were cried and hugged. that was the sad moment. i have many happy hug with my mom.
recently, i had a misunderstanding with my mom in a car, so the next morning when we prayed subh (morning prayer), she hugged me. usually we kissed, i kissed her hands and her chicks but she hugged me. i nearly cried though (but i’m on make up already).

my dad, we hug but depend on occasions. most of it during eid (Muslim Celebration), if i get good result, if i miss him (when i stayed at campus) and when his birthday. kiss on hands is always but on cheeks, so far just during his birthday.

nothing weird about hug and kiss people that taking care of since you were born. sometimes we are just ashamed or feel that now we are adult, i only kiss handsome guy only. nope! OUR PARENTS DESERVED TO BE HUGGED AND KISSED BY US

in cade hug and kiss our friends, of course i only did it among my girls, usually we hug because it has been a long time since we see each other. kiss, what about kiss? i don’t know. have we kiss, Imraatul? i think i just blow my kiss with hope that my friends will accept it. haha.

are you feeling terrible right now? are you feeling down and sad?
go hug and kiss someone. LEGALLY

the marriage

i have been single for almost 24 years now and i am 24 years old last July. weird or normal?  minus my age when i was a baby, toddler and primary age, it has been 14 years to be exact.

of course we all want to have someone to love apart from loving our family members but after a while i feel comfortable being just by myself. i don’t need someone to drive me here and there, i can drive on my own. i don’t need someone to listen to me because i believe i have friends for that and even my mom and dad can listen too. yes, i talk to my parents almost about everything, school, crush, problems, friends and etc.

after some time i don’t even bother if i have someone to marry or not. yes, i feel the unnecessary to marriage. i can work, i can adopt if i want kids and yeah, basically all that idea in my mind.

however, the other day, i heard a talk in a radio about marriage in Islam. how important it is according to Prophet Muhammad’s sunnah. last night, i attended a talk about hijrah where as soon as Prophet arrived from Mecca to Madina, he performed marriages between Muhajirin (from Mecca) and Ansor (Medina local). it shows that through marriage, we can learn what we don’t know and we can help to popularise Muslims.

there i know, i have done wrong to myself which i unintentionally neglected the idea of marriage. i love how beautiful wedding can be; the bouquet, the dress, the food and the cake. so i do have the intention to get married before because i don’t really against it but just i feel comfortable with just myself. but now, i have cleanse my heart.

i believe that no matter how late it is, there is someone for me. he could be everywhere looking for me too. all i need to do is pray that one day there will be a road in front of him, looking at me, knowing that i am the one that he has been looking for and i will be there waiting in a beautiful dress.

the eyes

eye consists of pupil, nerve and bla bla bla. want to know more, ask medical student or Google. I know, I sound ignorant yada yada, okay i’ll google after this.

eye.
you can see things. duhhh, everyone knows that. you can make assumption through what you see. sounds genius, right? yet, first assumption does not allow you to make a conclusion. i sound amazingly genius, huh? through eyes, you can see much better picture than the highest megapixel phone can ever have. islamic notion here, of course our eyes is created by our mighty God, Allah. Alhamdulillah, i am able to use my eyes,  and those who are unfortunate, you are wrong, you are not unfortunate, actually, you know more than those who can see. you have your heart.

yet, that is not the reason of my post here. talking about how it is beneficial to us, so on and so forth. i want to talk about my failure managing my own eyes. scary? sound a bit psycho?

have you ever been so sleepy that even your hands, fingers are still writing or typing on a keyboard, your eyes just shut? seriously. have you? i do and i did. this is one of the most terrible things that can happen to me especially at office. it happen this morning.

i was in the middle of typing and suddenly my eyes just shut, but somehow, i feel my fingers are dancing on the keyboard. but i just let it be, cause i was so sleepy back then. unfortunately, a mister who is sitting in front of me came and i was then moved my hands faster and made a very serious face with big eyes and sit properly and ignore what just happen.

very very very terrible things to happen.

by the way, do you know how i cure my sleepy eyes? and yes after i istighfar, i opened Bones Episode 3 Season 7 on my phone and started to continue my task. it works. i didn’t watch it, i just listen. songs does not really been helpful lately. sad.

the wedding

hey hey heyyy. no, it is not me getting married, no one is getting married. psss, i am available, still.

As for Muslim Malaysian, in order for us to get married, we have to take pre-marriage course. In here, we will learn about marriage, not just being lovey dovey (we all know that better) to your partner but management, problem solving, right hold by husband and wife, and many more.

today, my friends and i attend pre-marriage course. (MOM!! I can get married after this, find me someone.) ohh yes, i have no problem with traditional way of getting married. i do not know how to find, to star and where. it is a two day course, 8:00 a.m until 5:00 p.m. for non-Muslim, you may think this is probably waste of time and unnecessary. i can not change your what you believe but hopefully i can make you understand the importance in it.

we know how to date, how to love someone, how to express your love but that does not mean you know how to manage. in this class, we learn all those theoretically and based on Islam compliance. what should and should not do in marriage. being in love is great and getting married is happiness but it comes with bigger responsibility. to have a basic understanding and strong foundation of marriage management is vital.

apart from that, this course is amazingly fun and interesting. you get to hear stories of experience, tips and tricks to use in marriage. malaysians have to take this course and receives the certificate.

some important aspects to have a happy marriage are be understanding, give and take and always reminded yourself of your spouse’s good value whenever you have problems.