Curious

In couple of weeks, this 2016; marks my 25 years old ending. I have been good and I have been bad. Alhamdulillah for this life given by Allah, for a sinner like me, I received beyond that I could ever have. 
People keep on asking me, when is it going to be my turn? 

When is it going to be my turn as a bride with a groom?

Me too, curious about it. 
Repeatedly, I keep on saying to people, I don’t care. Even if I care, most of it because I feel pity to my parents; they must have been worried about me even if they look fine. 

Repeatedly, I make it a point where marriage is not my priority at the moment but I keep on thinking about it from time-to-time. 

Repeatedly, I wonder for all this time, for as I have live 25 years,is there really no one has any curiosity about me. Is it really no one has even a bit curiosity of getting me as partner. 

I have a career now, even it may not as professional as the so-called ‘professional’ careers, I like it the way it is for the time being. One thing cross off the list. 

Car, I have my parent’s. 

House, I have registered. 
“I need to be a little bit interesting on the outside”, they said. 
May I just say, I am the type who speak up my mind, maybe quite frank and obvious. 

May I just say, I am the type who know nothing about guy or love. 

May I just say, I am a little bit independent that I don’t mean to scare guy. 

I wonder how my 2017 gonna look like. I wish nothing from God except for family’s health, calm life, a better person and perhaps, I wish I could give dad, a friend and mom, a helper. 

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If we all agree that each and everyone of us only has one consistent attitude, that will be a lie. The biggest lie you can tell others.

Nope, we have so many attitudes. 

Each belong to a group of people. 
Our attitude for our parents. 

Our attitude for our siblings. 

Our attitude for our families. 

Our attitude for our friends. 

Our attitude for strangers. 

Our attitude for our colleagues. 

And many more. 
I must say; those attitudes are actually living proof of how we felt about others. How secure or insecure we feel toward others. How close our relationship with them. 

“Let your daughter travels with people her age, it wouldn’t be fun neither for her or you if we say different ideas.”
*Laugh nicely, speak gracefully*
Some may say hypocrite, some may say fake. Hypocrite can happen on certain issues but not this one.  I say that for the sake of relationship, or at work; professionalism. 
We act based on situation. We act based on the result that good for us and others. 
Whatever it is, just be nice. Hypocrite happen when you start talking at people’s back.

Limited Resources

I want to be useful. Frankly speaking, I would love to cook some dinner for ibu and ayah. I would love to bake or make some snack. I would also love to get my hand dirty and plant some green stuff. Yet, all of these require money. All of these require resources. Ohhh, you may say, “Just ask your parents”.  Haaah, nope. If I did that, then the whole idea to impress and being useful can not be achieve. It is not what I hope; imagine for.

Can you imagine the idea? How pretty, adorable and amazing it will be? Me, cooking and preparing the table. Serving dinner and they all say, “Hmmm this is good”. *drama too much* Okayyy, that is the rough imagination of a desperate not-young-woman to prove herself. However, since jobless, these are just a mere imagination.

The best thing for me to provide and being useful is to make sure the house is clean and laundry is done. No money required. At first, I was thinking, why am I doing this? I have been doing this since I was in secondary school. Whenever, I was back home for holiday, I took over ibu’s tasks (laundry and chores). I think even though, yes,it is hard to be perfect but I am use to it. So use to it that I don’t like others fold clothes. Man, I tell you, they are not nicely fold. The length and the collar, I hate if the collar is showing.

I guess this is what being useful really mean. Doing whatever you can with how many resources you have. As for me, Alhamdulillah, God has given me this owl habit, I don’t really sleep early. I prefer to do some chores late at night. God has given me light to help ibu and ayah and may He guides me to be always sincere in whatever I did.

I am pretty sure that most of us are doing the best we can to help our parents. As the children, I think it is our task to help them with some chores. They provide us with so many; food, education, place to live, and money. Alhamdulillah, God has given us wonderful parents who will do anything for us. Although I have heard some stories regarding irresponsible parents, don’t you loose hope. God is always with you, He loves you and the only thing you need to do is to have faith in His plan as He is The Planner and to love Him back. Be obedient and light will come to enlighten and lessen the burden you have hold.

I still hope that one day, I will have a decent, halal job to provide for them. May He always take care of my heart and intention.

Speak Only Truth

So much going on in my life past few months. My phone’s screen cracks thus I can’t post here. I have been very lazy to open my laptop to write new entry. I basically just do everything on my phone (check email, visit JobStreet, scroll Facebook) except for one thing which is update my blog. It is annoying that WordPress app didn’t really focus on it’s tilt screen design.

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INTERNSHIP

I am done with my internship since February and I have been jobless since then. Can you imagine how my life would be? Okay, it is not entirely bad. I was just being a good-not-so-good housewife AKA maid. Nothing much is going there. I have sent about 20 resumes which I guess much lower than my friend and I don’t get any interview. However, one day I received a call that I get to join a training that comes with quite numbers of benefits (allowance 1k per month, a professional certificate on which course I applied and on-the-job training). Alhamdulillah.

TRAINING

It started last May. I was so excited, I finally have something to do rather than just being at home. Although I enjoy lying on the couch and watch movies non-stop but I better get busy. As mentioned by the organizer, I have to attend two months in-class training which sounds legit and fun. For the first months, we are taught about soft skills and so May ends. No allowance is received until now. We talked to the organizer, some discussion had been made, some explanation had been explained and finally one thing to be sure is that even they are not sure about our allowance. They are taking risk to mention about allowance while the main organizer stated that there will be no allowance.

Two more things arise, course that I have chose is yet to be started until August (which may or may not be true) because they said each courses need to have about 15 more participants. They didn’t even mention this until June. Another one is that this program should start on July or August based on the main organizer. Why would they hide all of these details? Why wouldn’t they speak the truth? Why would they play with people’s need?

One of us assume that they are afraid that we might left this program if they tell us to wait until July or August. But you know what? You have lied and because of your misconduct in managing all of these, I might or I will left this program.

One thing you shouldn’t play with is people’s need. One thing you shouldn’t make joke is people’s need.

Most of us are fresh graduate students who are very much in need for a job, in need of a place in any companies, and in need of money. We are excited to think of giving parents our salary. We are burdened with our study loan. We are in need, indeed. Don’t play with that and speak the truth.

In Islam, we have redha. It is an acceptance (fully accept) to whatever happens. If this is what it is, I accept it as a lesson for me and the organization. I accept it as for me to become strong and careful. I accept it as a sign from Allah that it is to Him and only Him I should put my trust. I accept it as a sign that He is planning something way better than this.

Positivity 2: Facebook Status

Have you ever type on things you are mad of or things that actually meant for someone on Facebook status or Twitter yet you turn your back, delete and cancel your status?

I did, couple of times already. There a lot of things that I wish I can directly post it as my status, especially when I’m mad at someone or when I think it is good for others but I cancel it. Most of the time, it is mainly because of how I care so much about my relationship with people who might read it and think that the status is for them.

There is also moment where I was so mad that I needed the world to know (childish), I wrote it all on Facebook status, draft and then I deleted it. I didn’t post it.

At that time, I realise what I need was not to post it to Facebook but to let it go, to speak up, let all the burning mad feeling out of my chest. I felt weirdly calm after I am done and then my sense came in. I thought, “I should have not post this”.

All we need is being positive on the inside and the outside. Okay, I’ll probably will write when I am mad but not on Facebook but here. Out of the things that I may be mad about, there is tiny lesson that we can learn from, isn’t?

Positivity 1: Free Food

Still remember my post on positivity? What, no one reads it. Okay then, please proceed here

Yesterday, I made a mistake where I generated wrong reports so today I had to regenerate it back. Number of reports not that much and it doesn’t cause that much of tension. Generating reports is easy and you know, admin work.

Then, I was told that I need to take a project which I used to it but I am not in the mood of it. Okay, that definitely emotional distress and self-construct mistake.

However, today at lunch, a colleague bought me lunch. Food is always a good remedy. It s beautiful to see how God’s work. I was be given hard times which is always came from our own emotion but then God sent me happiness through a colleague.

Whatever religion you hold, whatever believes you follow, always remember to look for happy things around you. As for me, someone bought me lunch. It could be anything. It could be that today you saw mom playing with her kids at park, it could be how easy for you to get your bus or train back home. Even the tiniest thing could bring a smile to you.

Neutralise

Remember this guy? I am giving up on him.

Why?

I have been thinking. Guy, it is known that they fall easily to women who are pretty but when they are serious for a woman, they’ll try to get that woman. I found a post on this on my Facebook. Therefore, by analyzing from his behavior, there is no way he has interest in me. So, not to make it worst, I have decided to stop.

It is easy this way, isn’t?

Internship will be over in several weeks and God knows when will I meet him again. Over and over, I kept thinking on why gave me that Arab rice. Okay fine, it is just rice but okay I should stop be over the top and think right. He is just being nice, that’s all.

You know what is the best thing to do when we face problem like this, focus yourself on career development. Yeah, that’s it. I should build myself a good career, set a goal to own a house or car and travel a lot and bring myself closer to His path, my creator.

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Hurt

Dejavu. Dejavu. Dejavu. I feel empty. It happen again. Again and again. How does it feel when someone you like go for your friend. I don’t blame my friend. I don’t even hate my friend. I just wonder why does it always happen this way. I had a crush who is also my friend, lie to me something that is obvious and seems to have more interest to my friend. All this social networking accounts are making me crazy. I should not open his profile ever. Like, if there is no update from him at my news feed, why the hell did I have to go and looked at his profile. Now, I am seeing all new friends added and it is making me go crazy. Oh yes, I am. Okay no. Basically, I am giving up. Yes, this is it. I am giving up. I will not put my heart to anyone after this, I will fall for anyone,and I will not even try. Damn, this tears. It is obvious isn’t. Dahi licin always win. Petite always win.

Working Late

I used to assume myself as a workaholic. Even though I might be lazy for certain things but yes, when it comes to things or works or tasks that I favor, working late at night is nothing to me. It is stressful, indeed, when your code is not working as it should but the passion is there.

I started to study late at night when I was Form 3 (15 years old). We had PMR (its an examination for high school before we specifically choose our interest) and I love Mathematics and for me, math is something you should do at night. Evening is not that suitable for Maths because your eyes are tired and you need to relax.

In kulliyyah (IIUM), most of my assignments were a last minute work which I did at night. I still remember that I stay up for about 1 and a half day for my final year project (I guess). Of course with a little nap time, I am sane enough to graduate. Alhamdulillah (one more month left for internship). I find it is okay to stay late night and focus on your whatever assignment. I mostly think it is because of the environment. Roommates were there but they were also in their personal space and focus on whatever they did. We still had our pillow talk, late night discussion but all in all, it is fine (tired but fine). Don’t make me start on how we cover our sleep on the daylight cause you don’t want to know. (shhhhhh) Yes, I think it is because of the environment, age perhaps (we were young). Kulliyyah (IIUM), mahallah is the place where we sleep, revise and learn so the passion to work late at night is not that burdensome.

HOWEVER!!!!!!

The situation when you start working in a company is different. Working late is okay until you get back home and see everyone in your house is sleeping soundly. You are all alone. Last night, I arrived home at 11 and I saw my cat was sleeping, my ibu and ayah (right after picked me up) were sleeping and my sister was sleeping. The loneliness of working late, I clearly see it now. It is no fun in all this working late at night at office. I am left to iron my sisters’ school uniform, luckily I had iron dad’s cloth. Watched Running Man just to keep me sane (I need to laugh, you know). All this negative vibe of tiredness and eye bag need to be solved.

So, is working late still fine to me??

YES AND NO

Yes, because doing things we like is one thing that we can say we enjoy doing it.

No, because the loneliness when you arrived home. Just imagine if let say you are busy like hell and every single days (working days), you reach your home at 11. Meaning, you will be meeting your family on weekend. Yet, there are still some people are require to work on weekends. This is insane!!

Ini semua duniawi.

Out of topic sekejap.

**If you like someone, just say it. Who knows if he or she likes you too** Easy said that do.

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Good Team

Past two days, I have been working till late at night, around 9 to 10 pm. Yes, it is kind of stressful to work extra hours. Working extra hours is way different from stay up late at night to finish your assignment during campus life. Way, way different.
First of all, to finish your assignment, you can be free about yourself. You can be on your bed, you can be in your pyjama, you can listen to music out loud, you can sing out loud (did that whenever I can’t understand what I did), you can even eat and type, you can watch movie while type and you can take a nap. But working, working is complicated. Especially when you have to do it at office. Tell me if at your company have a place for me to lay down and do my work because I would like to try. Seriously.
Since I am just doing my internship, I can’t remote my pc at home. God, so heaven if I can do that. I consider myself as love-to-work, I can stand working at night if I put my mind on things I do. You should see me work late at night. The feeling when you stay late and able to accomplish things, I find it fun.

Good teammates play an important role if you love working late. So far, since I have involved myself in testing field, my teammates are actually one of the reason I am okay with staying late. Even though we are not provided with full table of feast (I mean pizza, because in drama work late equals to yummy food provided), we make fun of things, we laugh, we talk about anything that should and shouldn’t, we just be free since less people left at office, kan, so freedom la. Thank God for giving such a great team, colleagues, so that stressful work doesn’t seem so stressful.